Failings of an impotent man

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Date: Sat, 24 Apr 2004 19:56:00 GMT

Yes, it's true, I am a failure. At the risk of sounding redundant,
I blame Linux. Microsoft fired me for browsing gay websites during
work hours and for my video taped indiscretions caught during
elevator rides with various male cohorts.

As if that wasn't enough, I must have subconsciously decided to
add salt to the wound I call "my failure". My girlfriend recently started
browsing Usenet. Much to my surprise, she had become quite proficient
at using Google Groups to search out interesting articles and posts.
As the days went by, things were not as rosy and bright as I originally
thought. My girlfriend started searching for articles with my name.
Fortunately, I was smart enough to use my Milo T. alias instead of
my real name, Simon Cooke, for most of my Usenet embarrassing
moments.

It was due to one fateful day when she really got smart and found
some posts containing Simon Cooke and Milo T. She then proceeded
to compare the headers of posts under both names. From that
moment, my fate was sealed. She started asking questions and I
became very defensive, very irritated and short tempered. I wanted
her to stop and there was nothing I wasn't prepared to do to isolate
her from my reality that is the Internet.

One morning, when she was at work, I proceeded to format her drive
and install Linux. When she returned that afternoon she was infuriated.

"What the hell is this?", she said.

"It's Linux! The latest craze. It's so much easier to use. Trust me.", I said.

I was so entrenched in my FUD about Linux that I was sure she would
frustrate herself trying to use it and give up altogether. That was the one
fatal mistake I should have not made. I now wish I had just let her play
around with Windows until it crashed a few times then simply wipe
her drive and blame it on Windows. I would have gotten away with that.

She began to learn things I never thought she could. Linux was an interest
to her beyond anything that's ever interested her about me. She graduated
from the simple GUI tools to powerful command-line tools such as "dig". Her
proficiency worried me as she began digging deeper into what was supposed
to be my private life.

She used every imaginable search facility on the net. I had nowhere to hide
anymore.

She found my dismissal report from M$ with all the gritty details. She found
my post on alt.fan.cock-sucking soliciting for cocks to suck. She found
my "Trip to San Francisco" report. She found that I was getting as much
respect from my fellow posters as a pile of dog ***. She also found out that
I was A LIAR!

My whole world came crashing down. My alternate lifestyle, my love of sucking
***, my tireless efforts to brown-nose M$ hoping I could get back my
old job, my hopeless efforts to convince people that I am truly smart ...
all crashed down in one big THUD.

She could not take it anymore. She began to hyperventilate because of
the sudden anxiety attack as she realized what I am, what she has been
spending time with, what she was occasionally living with. She realized why
I was always going to San Francisco on "business trips" and why I never
brought her along.

The realization that I could no longer pull the wool over her eyes was
too much. I could no longer convince her that my slave outfit was dress-code
at my job and that the outfit actually was a virtual reality sensor suit and I was the
lead engineer on the top-secret project for the American military, the very outfit
my boyfriend loved me in. I could no longer lie about the bruises on my forehead
from slamming against my boyfriend's pelvis or lie about my funny walk when I got
home from a "business meeting" or "late night at work".

My world came crashing down because of Linux who turned my dumb blonde
into a proficient, resourceful woman who found me out by mastering a few
simple tools.

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